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29 May 2008 / Julie

Indiana Jones 4 sucked or why we gouged our eyes out

** warning: spoilers… **
(but it really shouldn’t matter because you should save your $10)

Tonight the bf and I saw Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. He will be guest writing this post with me…

You know how the doctor tells you this shot is only going to hurt “a little” and deep down you know he’s full of shit? That was our experience watching this movie.

Not only was it an abomination on it’s own, but it singlehandedly tarnished and pissed all over the good name of Indiana Jones. As it turns out, Denholm Elliott‘s (Marcus Brody) untimely death was a good career move rather than appear in this latest installment of the Indiana Jones franchise.

The genius of the once-visionary George Lucas and Steven Spielberg, has soured and begun to fail with age (see Star Wars Episodes 1-3). We’re not commenting on the physical years of Lucas and Spielberg, but rather of their having given in to the creativity-sucking money machine. Apparently they thought that a public willing to elect George W. Bush into office twice would be gullible enough to hand over their money without much problem.

I fear that when both of us walk into our respective offices tomorrow morning, noses will raise from behind cubicle walls, wondering what the stench is. “I smell Indiana Jones 4!” Yes, quite like a skunk’s spray, this is a marking that will not easily be showered away.

You may be wondering why we thought it sucked so much. It might be shorter to tell you what we thought was good about it… but then this post would end.

For starters, the style was all wrong- it looked like it had been shot as a Soap Opera. The lighting was bad, the cinematography was predictable and the dialog was about as complicated as the comics in Bazooka bubble gum. The set looked like one and the Crystal Skull seemed made of plastic filled with that crinkly iridescent tissue paper. Come on, people. You can do better.

Oh, and lets not forget about the fact that they ditched the Nazis (a lesson they should have learned from in IJ2: Temple of Suck) for Soviets and… wait for it… ALIENS!!! WTF?! It’s like Spielberg was attempting not an homage to the IJ franchise but a sequel to that other alien movie.

What were they thinking, insulting IJ fans, and intelligent humans, by putting ALIENS as the whole gimmick to the movie? That’s the other problem, it wasn’t a movie with thought-out character development or respectful throwbacks to the good stuff that came before or even something with a coherent plot- the entire thing WAS a gimmick- a gimmick to romance money out of the hands of an unsuspecting public who willingly gave it up hoping that filmmakers are still visionaries and decent human beings who wouldn’t disgrace the icon that was Indiana Jones. Was.

I just hope that I will be able to watch Movies 1 & 3 without thinking of 4. I have no issue forgetting 2, but that may be because time has begun to heal those wounds.

It all just goes to show you that you too, for a mere $185,000,000 can make something that will destroy an icon, ruin childhoods around the world and still make you millions.

The bf, for one, would rather cover himself in chum and throw himself into shark infested waters than go anywhere near that movie again (he also mentions something about circumcision and a rusty spoon, but that’s probably more graphic than you need.)

While I still wouldn’t go the chum or rusty spoon route, my heart is broken. I was nervous when i heard about this movie being made that the story was all wrong- that Indiana Jones can’t have a son, no matter how old he gets, and that Cate Blanchett is just too modern for the story. I was right to be nervous but i was nervous for the wrong reasons. Cate didn’t seem *that* out of place compared to the presence of ALIENS! I didn’t notice too much that the once Womanizing, Government-hating Indy had been turned into a decorated war hero father and husband because i was blinded by the plastic-y goodness of bad ALIEN props! And I might have been mildly distracted from the “Insert Homage Here” formula because of the clear attention to ALIENS!

I’m sorry, the bf informs me there were no aliens in this movie.
I stand corrected; they were “Interdimensional Beings.”

Apparently Genius can die and someone can ruin a good thing. In this case, the good thing that used to be the Archeologist/Professor Everyone Wants And Wants To Be, dies a 2 hour long, painful, gut wrenching, eye gouging, death. Complete with Aliens. There comes a time in every man’s life when he has to admit he’s slid off the bell curve of his creative faculties and needs to roll over and give up for the sake of the rest of humanity. Lucas and Spielberg are way past their deadline.

As he rolls over to go to sleep, my bf asks, “Will the stench ever come off?”
“We have Top Men working on it.”
“Who,” he asks?
“Top Men.”


Other reviews:
- “Indiana Jones and the Savage Reviews,” Telegraph
- Listing of reviews from Movie Review Query Engine
- Rotten Tomatoes.com
- Reel Reviews

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